He hates school, he hates his big sister (who teases him relentlessly) and I think sometimes he hates me too.

I know he is just flexing his baby man muscles and trying to find his place in the family now he’s growing up, but the constant answering back and always knowing better stuff can get a bit waring at times.

Last week he was banned from anything with a screen, an ingenious plan that Big J came up with. It meant that for a week he had no TV no INTERNET, no i pod touch, no x box 360 and no Nintendo ds…. for Jack, this basically meant no life!

But still by the end of the week he was  muscling up and giving all the back chat, so even though painful he got banned for another 3 days, gutted!

Sometimes its hard, I’m a big softie so he has a few big doe eye and even bigger tears tricks that he likes to pull on me.

And I also have a irrational fear, as a split family and somehow especially as he’s a boy, I have this horrible fear in the pit of my stomach that he’ll want to go live with his Dad some day.

His dad is Mr Cool, he has a big  fancy schmancy job in London, a big house, huge garden and a dirt bike. He also loves to surf,  has a VW camper,  A-team stylie pimped up van ….and a dog!

Until recently I could live all with that, I’ve just grown found of whispering “midlife crisis” under my breath.

But now he has a trump card….. a new girlfriend who jack LOVES! (and I think maybe has a secret baby crush on).

She’s pretty, blonde, young, skinny, tall, wares high heels, has a amazing job, and comes from a rich family , oh aaand is brilliant at house work!

Jack actually said to me the other day, “daddies girlfriend love’s cleaning…maybe we could invite her round to clean here?….. I very f@#*ing much think not Jack!  

God Love Him… I love our little family and couldn’t wish for a single drop more happiness, honestly! 

But I sometimes wonder if, since beautiful Milly was born and the baby of the family title  moved to her, whether Jack feels a bit pushed out?

Sometimes I wonder if…. me and Big J are the bad guy’s, and  his Dad is just “Mr weekend perfect”…. am I gonna lose him?

Well this morning, after yet another crying and kicking his bed session Jack pushed this under my bedroom door, it kind of blew alway all my fears and put a big smile back on my face, so thank you Jack….You’ll always be my boy, too! xxxxx

Poem By Jack, aged 10 and 2 months…..  

Mum,mum….

Mum, mum I’ll always be your son,

I’ll always Love you, even if you chew my thumb,

Forever and ever Mummy, Mum, Mum,

You make  me yummy ham buns,

Sometimes I am clever and often I’m dumb,

Mummy, Mummy your as sweet as honey,

Mummy your sooooo funny,

I will love you Day & Night,

And your are such a lovely sight,

MUM MUM.

Bless him…p.S though, in case your wondering…. I have never chewed his thumb, its  just a rhyming thang ;D x

 

 

Ellie at 4, so sweet!

   Eloise is going to be 15 this year (eek!!)…

   And a thought  has been on my mind for a while.

Ellie-now, bless her!

  I have been thinking of all the good advise I wish I’d had at her age. All the little and big stuff that would have made my last 15 years easier.

So I thought I’d write it down, (and share it with you guys) .

Not sure it’ll help, but its what Ive learnt…

Well the important stuff anyways ;D

I will start with the small stuff ….

 Beauty…. Don’t wear to much make-up-

There is nothing worse than looking like you tried too hard (except maybe not trying hard enough )

1) So follow this simple rule, if your wearing a “in your face” lipstick then go easy on the eye shadow, and visa versa.

 It always tends to look best. Unless your Scarlett  Johansson, and I have my suspicions that she is an alien or robot from planet  “way too good looking and sexy” so she doesn’t count.

2) The same applies for jewelery. A good necklace needs no earings and a good pair of earings need no necklace.

3) Don’t EVER shave your legs with your dads razor. Or you’ll spend at least 3 weeks in agony, covering them up and waiting for the skin to grow back.

I know this one to my cost… hot summer of 1989 ;D

House work-

1) iron shirts when they are still damp….  That’s all I really honestly know about the strange art of  house work that’s worth repeating!

Love..Life…& beyond -

My dad always used to say….”Helen, You Can’t Polish a Turd”….

This applies to so many things….a huge spot, a bad hair cut. But most of all to the opposite  sex.

If you follow this, you will save yourself allot of time and heart ache and you’ll leave yourself open to someone really good!

To be filed along with leopards and spots ;D

2) Don’t be overly hard on yourself and your looks. I don’t know anybody who doesn’t  say they look at photos of themselves when they were younger and wish they’d realized how hot they were!

I am not kidding you, I know right now you don’t think your not pretty, thin or hot enough, but you are!

You will look back at photos of yourself in 10 years time and go, blimey I was gorgeous!  (or at least passable!) Why couldn’t I see it?

The evil thing of it is, by then its to late. So enjoy it now. ;D

This is me just 3 years ago, I remember looking at this and thinking I looked old and fat. Wish I was that old and fat now, is all I can say about that! 

3) …. and most importantly, If there is something you want to do, don t be afraid to do it.

 Even if its a bit frightening. Things you don’t do when your young can cause bitterness and uneasiness when your older.

So in the great words of Nike, ” Just Do It!” (this does not apply to drugs, alcohol or boys.. just in case you were wondering) ;D

So thats it! i very much doubt  she will listen, don’t think I would have done  at her age either! ;D

If you’ve read the start of the week you’ll know that I have just £5 a day for 5 people.

Anyway, I really wanted to share this one with you because it was a such a Big Success! Jack the curry hater, and Milly the food thrower both sat quietly with a few mmmm’s and ate the lot! Result!!!

Creamy lemon Coriander Chicken Curry with Red peppers (cheaper and healthier than a take away, and just as yummy!)

2 Onions ( 50p )

200ml of Creme Fraiche (I used reduced fat one) ( 89p)

1 Red Pepper ( 89p ) (bit of a rip off, that?!)

1/2 the Medium cooked chicken from yesterdays Roast lemon chicken post ( 2.00 )

OR about 450 g of cooked chicken breast

2 tomatoes ( 30p )

1 lemon ( 20p )

From store cupboard-

1 tablespoon of olive oil

1 teaspoon of cumin seeds

3 cardamom pods

1 teaspoon of ground turmeric

1 teaspoon of chilli powder

1 tablespoon of concentrated stock (I use the knor one in the bottle)

large handful of fresh coriander or 2 teaspoons of dried

salt and pepper

Rice

First fry garlic and onions in olive oil in large frying pan until translucent. Add the cumin, cardamom pods, turmeric and chili powder, add water if it starts to stick.

cook for 2mins.

Add the red pepper, the toms (quartered)  coriander and stock with enough water to cover and cook until the pepper is soft .

Stir in chicken, cut into large chunks add juice of whole lemon add a little more water if necessary and cook gently covered for about 20mins, then add the creme fraiche and cook for further 10 mins and serve with rice..YUMMY!!!

Let me explain, I really really fancied a roast tonight but didn’t want to blow the budget so I have only used 1/2 a medium sized chicken for this recipe. I will use the other half for tomorrows creation. If your not trying to save cash the leftovers make the best midnight snack sarnies! ;D

The Best Lemon and Garlic Chicken in the world EVER! – (hope I haven’t bigged it up too much)

1 Medium sized whole chicken (we will only be using half) -£2.00

5 chippolata sausages- £1.20

1/2 a bag of potatoes -50p

bulb of garlic -70p

1/2 a bag of Chantilly carrots going off isle 3 lol! -25p

1 cabbage….. same isle, -25p

From store cupboard-

1 teaspoon of dried thyme

1 teaspoon of dried rosemary

1 teaspoon of dried parsley

about 4 oz of butter

Ok , all’s you do is peel the potatoes and cut into pieces ( I cut small ones in half, bugger ones into 3) and place on large baking tray.

Then mix together the butter and all the herbs into a bowl and smear under chicken skin and on top, cut the lemon into slices and shove gently under the skin (if your squeamish, you can place on top) .

Sit Mr Chicken nicely right on top of the potatoes and garlic (broke into segments, but not pealed) and cook for around 2 hours for medium birdy.

When its around an hour before the end of cooking time, shake the potatoes a bit (they should be basting nicely in all the chicken juices) and check on chicken, if its going to brown at this stage cover in a little foil.

Then 1/2 an hour before end, add chippolata’s and cook veg.

When cooked take chicken out, turn the heat up as high as it will go and blast the roasty’s for another 5 mins, this will make them seriously good!

Then to make the gravy drain the pan of most of the fat, squeeze out the yummy roasted garlic and then add about 300 ml of gravy (I use good old bisto) .

Oh I also had a little bit of yesterdays bacony mash left so served that too.

E’ Viola! …. P.S… Don’t forget to save half Mr Chicken for tomorrow’s creation. Its gonna be Creamy Lemon-Coriander Chicken Curry with Red Pepper, so worth the sacrifice ;D

So I start my quest at the lovely rainbow “going out of date tomorrow” shelf but to my dismay the only thing on offer this evening is individual trifles and garlic bread, well that would be carbs and at a push one of their 5 a day ?,but no…oh poop….

Will just have to get inventive….so I have a quick memory scan through my fridge (i could almost hear the whirling, this whole save money lark takes allot of brain power you know!)

And then it hits me, something from my childhood, a bit of updating for this century ;D and,….. Captain dinner has landed!

So here we are ta daa, not exactly cordon blue cookery! But very warming on a winters evening ….

Yummy Cheese and Potato Pie Italian Stylie!!

1 pack of value smoked bacon (£1.50)

1/2 a bag of potato’s ( 50p)

1/2 a pack of value mushrooms (35p)

1 onion (10p)

1 garlic clove (5p)

1/2 a packet of grated mozzarella cheese (75p)

1/2 a packet of grated cheddar cheese (75p) ( was on offer, 2 bags for £3.00)

4 Tomartoes

From store cupboard-

Good pinch of dried parsley

Good pinch of thyme

3 sun dried tomatoes (in oil from jar)

Firstly chop up the onion, garlic and sun dried toms and fry gently in a little oil for a couple of mins, then cut the bacon into small pieces and do the same with the mushrooms and add to the pan, fry gently.

While thats cooking peel the potatoes, cut into cubes and put into a big pan of salted water for about 20 mins or until soft.

When the bacon is crispy and the onions soft and yummy, take off heat. Mash the potatoes with a really good couple of knobs of butter (can’t beat buttery mash) and then add nearly half of the 2 cheeses (saving a little for the top) and finally the onioney bacon mixture. Along with a good grind of pepper and a pinch of salt.

Give it a good stir, place in a oven prof dish , top with sliced tomatoes  (saving some for the salad) and grill until the top is golden brown.

While its under the grill fry off 4 more bits of bacon until crispy and place it onto of pie, yum!

Day 2 done, yay me! and anyone else joining in, Yay YOU!  can we save money? yes we can! sorry I know, I’m getting a bit carried away ;D xxx

Stuff! lovely stuff!

This week I am starting a new years resolution, a bit late but what the hay? I am about to embark on a quest…to boldly go where no icklehelen has gone before…to save money.

I have never been good at economising, my efforts of saving money always tend to end up having the reverse effect.

I recently spent a small fortune in the Next Sale. While in the store foraging up and down the busy isles I was convinced I had enough to wear for the whole season…YAY MEEE!!! (sorry I have to watch way too much of the Disney channels  “suite life of zac and cody” than is healthy for an adult).

Anyway…

In the cold light of day what I actually had was 4 articles of clothing which didn’t fit (my logic while in the shop was I was going to diet?) , a couple of rather boring jumpers that make me look like a granny and a rather *special* pair of jade coloured skinny jeans, hmmm..cant think why they ended up in the sale rail?!

But you see, I can’t resist a “bargain“ even if said bargain stays hiding at the back of my wardrobe for six months before being hauled out for charity.

I am so popular with those folk that post the charity plastic bags through the door that they always leave me 2!

And I am possibly worse with food.

I really like too cook and big J really likes to eat and I am just no good at what my mum call’s  “cheap dinner nights”.

It always starts out well with a plan to make something like egg and chips but I end up coming back from the shops with a leg of lamb ( a total bargain with a whole £2.00!! off  and all the ingredients for garlicky potatoes and chocolate cake! (well in  all fairness I did use the eggs..and the potatoes!)

So I guess you could say that up until now I have been pretty much a lost cause, and a source of endless family jokes. But I really do want to change, with the times the way they are and the real need for a bigger house looming (Milly still sleeps in daddy and mummy’s room through lack of space, fun now… but when she’s 5? not so cute) I feel like I have to grow up and get with the program…the Economize and live in the real world program!

So this is plan/challenge A – go to the super market at around 4.30 daily (when they reduce the food about to go off…. yum!  and find stuff to make that nights meal… I have only £5.oo to feed all 5 of us.

And this is the first, I am going to try and leave a recipe dairy here everyday for the whole week, to maybe share ideas and also to keep me on the frugal straight and narrow. If I have to fess up to you guys daily I am less likely to cheat ;D

So hear it is, some of the ingredients I had already in and I have listed them as store cupboard items, hopefully thats not cheating too much. Your one time big spender, Helen xxx

** Oh and just a little icklebabe update for you, I have been working with big j on a lovely new retro style site and I have decided to come up with all new pretty things (hopefully) to match, these are the first off the production line/kitchen table ;D hope you like them!, matching artwork and other stuff coming soon….**

Minty Lamb Kofta style meatballs

I packet of minced lamb (£2.10 from the “use by tomorrow“) section

1 tin of value plum toms (52p)

2 onions (15p approx)

2 cloves of garlic (15p approx)

1 tin of chick peas (59p)

A little over a 1/4 of a pack of Halloumi cheese cut into little cubes ( £1.00 approx )

From store cupboard-

2 teaspoons of dried mint,

1 teaspoon of dried oregano,

1 teaspoon of lazy chilli paste,

1 tablespoon of tomato puree,

250 g couscous,

300ml of chicken stock (I used sainsbos basics cubes, 12p for a box),

100ml of milk,

A couple of nobs of butter

First blitz the onions garlic, chilli and oregano in a hand blender until it forms a paste, then put half the mixture in a pan along with a tablespoon of oil and a tablespoon of butter  and fry on a really low heat for 5 -10 mins being careful that the mixture doesn’t catch (it should not go brown).

Put the other half of the mixture to one side, and blitz the bread with hand blender to make bread crumbs , add it to the minced lamb along with 1 teaspoon of mint, halloumi cheese, egg and the other half of the garlicky chilli onion paste.

Then blitz the toms with hand blender and add to the pan along with 1 tablespoon of tom puree and 100ml of water, cook gently for another 10mins.

Once all the meatballs are in add a touch of salt and pepper and cook uncovered for 25 mins.

While thats cooking and towards the end of cooking time, make the couscous. In Aa large bowl add hot stock to the couscous along with a teaspoon of mint and a good nob of butter and the drained chick peas. Place a plate on to of the bowl and just let the couscous cook for five mins, after that time fluff it up with a fork and serve it with the meat balls…

YUM! my first frugal triumph! .. yay mee! (clapping hands London Tipton stylie ) …. sorry again ;D

A Christmas tradition!

And it seems like I am not alone in needing a bit of “none 3 for 2 offers”, “don’t give a stuff that sam at school is getting an itouch”, or “mum why can’t I just have money!?” proper family filled  Christmas Magic!

You know that kind of belly tickly excitment of Christmas eve night, or the lovely warm feeling of cuddling up on the sofa with the family after a giant Christmas dinner, listening to your mum snore softly(that might just be my mum),  jeans top button undone through sheer stuffedness! (again, that might just be me !)

The kind of lovely magical Christmas feeling of happiness that starts at the tips of your toes and radiates everywhere.

Ahhh it did exsist didnt it?,

I’m sure I didn’t just imagine it or see it in a film, I felt it once…..

I know apart from the obvious religious significance Christmas has always had alot to do with stuff, but not to the exstent it is now.

I remember my christmas lists had things like five star’s new album(sad but true!), my little pony’s, rainbow bright, and roller blades.

Jack’s on the other hand sounds like the  Curry’s catalogue!  Full of stuff like new mobile phones, lap top, ipod touch,  tv, new nitendo ds …oh and lets not forget the “surprise gifts” he’d like too….

He’s nine!!!!  I hate to tell him but about the only surprise he’ll be getting is that whatever he gets will be none of the above!

Christmas Jack!

It all just seems a bit hollow when its all about the stuff.

Bring back a proper Christmas! The kind of christmas we all remember from childhood, our qiurky christmas traditions,  in my family’s case its gold  Dallas dresses and matching hostess trolleys (read previous post for details!)

But I think we all have them, Big j  used to go to his grandmas for Christmas dinner and on the dinning room table was always a train track and train zoming around as they ate, how fun does that sound?!

And then there are the other weird traditions we all have, like getting up at 6 am to peel sprouts (the  only day of the year most of us will ever eat em!).  Or rolling tiny sausages in tiny bacon “blankets”, I mean when you really think about it that’s just adding insult to injury if your a pig!

The Christmas  crackers filled with useless jokes we all find funny and little bits of tat like mini sewing kits or metal money clips. All usless stuff really but on Christmas day they are little bits of treasure to swap and gloat over!

I think this year I want to remind my own kids that there is just so much fun to be had whether you get the “stuff” or not, so join me lovely people in a campain to bring back the Christmas magic!

Spill the beans on what funny Christmas traditions your family had and how you celebrate the big day.

I am sure it will cheer us all up and give us all ideas on how we can bring back our own christmas magic!

Merry Christmas!

There was something truly magical about it all in a way you never get to experience once you’ve grown up.

The excitement of Christmas eve and the rustle of the stocking being put at the bottom of my bed by a slightly tipsy Santa (mum) . The amazing feeling at about five in the morning waking up and jumping to the end of the bed just to check “he’d” been. The agony of being asked to go back to bed for just a few more minutes!

The food, that started with selection boxes at about 7 am ( the only time of the year I was allowed  to eat chocolate before lunch!) the bacon butties the big turkey, more chocolate, Christmas tea of salmon sandwiches cut into triangles and wheeled out on a gold painted hostess trolley! (my mum was big on Christmas ceremony, and thought this was the height of posh!)

She also had a gold Christmas dress that she wore every year. So different from the usual “mummy clothes” she wore the rest of the year , it was shiny and had shoulder pads and I always thought she looked like Sue Ellen from Dallas in it!

Oh, and then there was the annual trip to the big Christmas lights of London! A day off school and a 2 hour train journey was all it took to be whisked to another world of Christmas magic. we always used to go to Hamiliys toy shop to look for what Santa might buy us and I remember it being such a special experience. I think in hindsight me and my little brother were probably quite spoilt but I never think I took it for granted and I always remember it being my absolute favorite and most happy time of the year!

Then I grew up… and slowly the magic eroded a little. Christmas as a mum is full of stress as well as happiness and sometimes I am even guilty of the occasional sigh…its nearly Christmas…. rather than a whoop, whoop hooray!!

Last Christmas had a profound effect on my feelings towards it too.

It all started about a month before, with my eldest daughter Eloise being ill. She had a bad headache that just wouldn’t go away, we ended up at casualty with her twice as it was so bad, but they sent us home saying it was migraines.

Then after a weekend of up and down pain Ellie woke up on Monday morning and said she couldn’t feel her hand or arm, about five minutes later she began to slur her speech and at that point she couldn’t walk properly. Me and my ex husband carried her to the car. And rushed the 30 minute drive to hospital. On the way there she was sick and very confused, she was in and out of consciousness.

I was petrified as we rushed into the casualty department  and then through to the children’s ward, I remember thinking we must have looked a sight with my ex husband running down the corridors with Ellie in a “borrowed wheel chair” he had taken on the way in and a very round pregnant woman trying to keep up behind him! (i was seven and a half months pregnant with Milly at the time)

I wish I could say Eloise was rushed through to see a doctor, but we were made to wait an agonizing time by the staff nurse from hell with Ellie vomiting and in agony, it was only when she became conscious for a second and asked me to help her that we insisted we got seen.

As soon as the head honcho doctor saw her he had her whisked through to ex ray on a trolley, on the way the nurse asked Ellie some simple questions, whats your name sweet heart? what school to you go to? whats the year? it broke my heart as she slurred her answer… she didn’t know.

The ex ray was to check for a brain tumor and as I was pregnant I couldn’t go in with her. I just say outside and waited, I remember thinking this cant be happening, this cant be happening.

When she was wheeled out the doctor viewed the ex ray straight away, and the news was good, no brain tumor.

We were taken to a children’s ward full of Christmas lights and tinsel and told Ellie may have meningitis. I remember the Christmas decorations seemed jarring with the surroundings and there was a buzzing in my head that I couldn’t shift. I watched as they put the drip in Ellie’s arm and just sat numb and waited. We were there about 4 hours when they made the decision to move Ellie to Addenbrookes I remember it was bizarre  being in the back of the  ambulance blue lights flashing having to hold up the beepy monitor thing that feed Ellie her drip.

When we got to  Addenbrookes  it was early hours of the morning, the antibiotics through the drip seemed to be having some affect and Ellie started to come round.

Then there were 2 lumber punctures and drips inserted into Ellie’s chest ,7 days later she was well enough to go back to Peterborough hospital. 3 days after that she was home.

The relief was overwhelming , it was 2 weeks before Christmas.

We had a nurse come for an hour in the morning and an hour in the evening to give Ellie her drip. The thing they attached her too was huge and took up the corner where the Christmas tree usually stood so instead of a tree we wrapped tinsel around it.

On Christmas eve Ellie had her final dose of antibiotics and the drip contraption was gone, we managed to find a slightly sad looking tree and decorated it on Christmas eve night.

It was a very strange Christmas and I don’t remember much about it if I’m honest. I don’t remember the presents we got the kids or even who cooked Christmas dinner, I think after all the stress of the past weeks I just couldn’t  feel anything anymore.

So here we are a year on and I am happy to say Ellie is 100% better, it took until about May time for the headaches to subside but she is finally well.

So I have decided this year is going to be the year I bring back some Christmas magic, with it being little Milly’s first Christmas and everybody well and happy it seems like we have a lot to be thankful for!

It just goes to show that no mater how hard things seem they usually turn out OK  in the end, it just takes time sometimes for the magic to come back.

Me looking rather pregnant!

Eloise just after being poorly....

Funny little Santa boy Jack!

But the whole 7 personality traits  has kind of been stumping me, its not that I am vacant (well, not all the time, only after along day of mum, mum, mum…) but I do seem to be having trouble. So I am just going to tell you 7 things, not traits per-say… but oh well I  hope you don’t mind me cheating a bit!

1) I hate cleaning- Its not my chosen profession yet I still spend half my life doing it … badly!..  although it takes me ages the house is always a mess. go figure… think I am just naturally chaotic.

2) My hair has a personality complex as I keep changing it… I am chocolate latte ( looks like brown to me!) at the moment, but next week who knows!

3) I often feel like a crap mum… hard to admit but its true,  its the curse of working from home I think …if I spend time with Milly I feel like I should be working  and if I am working I feel like I am abandoning Milly… and then I have a 9 yr old (but why?) boy and 14 yr old part time drama queen ..  so there just never seems enough time, leaving me always feeling inadequate.

4) I love to cook and cook books, I remember when I had my first house this was a very nerdy un-cool thing to say. But now its kind of ok to admit it, I remember the first time I saw Nigella Lawson a few years ago now, she got me hooked… all that sexy flirting with the camera and un ashamed gluttony did it for me!  Nigella bites is still my very favourite cook book but my kitchen is now heaving with over 50 tittles, stacked up in piles ontop of the freezer, in cupboards, proping up the microwave ..everywhere, I love Em!

5) I used to be spoilt, I have had a really weird year… my eldest got meningitis, my dad passed away and big j kept having mysterious collapses. Horrible, yes, but all that made me look at life in a completely different way, little things like having a bigger house and lots of stuff don’t bother me so much anymore, and the sad thing is I dont think I would have ever realised how blessed I am without having this years experience’s. But at least now I am older, wiser and less of a whiner!

6) I love ribbons and buttons, I am completely mad about them like some people are mad about there pets… seriously I could sit and stroke them and love nothing more than dreaming up things to make out of them!

7) I am a born artist, I have painted since I could hold a brush and I never ever wanted to do anything else. Sometimes when I look a my bank balance I wish I could have been born with brain surgeon smarts instead, but you get what you get and I love it.

Oh well that wasn’t that painful, hope your still with me and I haven’t bored you to death because now for the fantstic 7 blog folk I would love to hear more about…

http://sleepisfortheweak.org.uk/

http://cafebebe.co.uk/blog/

http://babyrambles.blogspot.com/

http://tums2mums.blogspot.com/

http://www.insomniacmummy.com/

http://sandycalico.blogspot.com/

http://www.squidgyboo.com/

http://bringingupcharlie.blogspot.com/

http://violetposy.co.uk/

http://snafflesmummy.blogspot.com/

Yes, I know that’s ten, but lets just pretend I can’t count

It  started last week when I was tucking Jack into bed, he said out of the blue that he felt sorry for milly because she would never get to know grandad.

My dad died in November last year, very suddenly of a heart attack. He was a very young 62 and I honestly felt he was going to live forever (or at least until I was really really old! ) But at 6.40 on nov 13th I got a phone call that he was gone and that was that, final.

Milly was born 2 months later and she is lovely, she has that knowing look of my dad, his straight smile and the way she purses her lips when’s she concentrating is just like him!

I find myself thinking of him a lot lately, and Jack’s comment made me think a lot more, not just of my dad but of all the other people we lose. The family members I didn’t really know that well, now paper thin pictures in an old album somewhere. Some of the oldest photographs on my mums side are of family she doesn’t even know,  but I am sure they all loved and had friendships the same as you and I.

It seems such a shame, our family stuck there in pictures without any way of knowing who they were.

When I see my dad’s picture he comes alive for me and I remember where it was taken or what we were doing but when Milly looks will she just see a face of someone she’s never really known?

I can’t let that happen so I am formulating a plan. I am going to make her a grandad book, small enough for her to hold (and chew if she likes) full of pictures and memories of my dad. I am going to try and write for her what kind of person he was. How he was well traveled even though he never got on a plane, he was an adventurer through the books he read constantly ( he was the only person I know who would read 3 books at the same time!) and knew more about the world than anyone I’d ever met.

I will tell her he was a great listener and I’d go to him whenever I had something on my mind, he’d never judge and had a brilliant ability to get straight to the heart of things. His sense of calmness and his believing in me would always make me feel safe and strong and able to tackle anything!

Ok maybe this is to much for a 7 month old to grasp, but I will tell her as she grows so that my memories of him will intertwine with hers and hopefully become part of who she is.

All this somehow doesn’t seem enough but sometimes thats just the way it is.

One thing I know for sure is my Dad was such a big part of who I am that when Milly is loving me, shes loving him too.

My dad (he's the baby!) My grandad & grandma