The Spanx incident…

This week has been a scorcher! And I am pleased to say that, for once I have been organised and bought my self some **using beauty mag lingo** key pieces for the season.

The most memorable being my new Hawaiian print maxi dress. I have never before owned a maxi dress as I have big boobies and didn’t think I could fit the puppies in quite frankly. But they are everywhere this summer (not my boobies!)  and it says in my new  book… “the Fabulous Mum’s Guide to a Fabulous family Life” by grace Saunders, that Maxi dresses are one of the essentials for a stylish mummy’s wardrobe …. ( I say its new, but I have had it for months and only just now got around to reading it, not sure what that says about my fabulous life, but hay..I digress..)

And I quote …” A Maxi sun dress is a god send for me every summer! strapless and floor skimming worn with thong sandals is my usual summer uniform (accessorize with long beads or an antique brooch)…” Okay Mrs Grace Saunders… sold! to the lady wif da big bobbies ;)

So I got one, very nice it is too, but on close inspection I realised that as well as forking out fifty quid for my lovely new dress I was going to need some special underwear*read scaffolding* to be able to wear it. So off to M& S. com I went and got me a strapless slip thingy with an under wired bra attached.

Your probably wondering right now why on earth I am telling u all this but I do so as an act of kindness and a warning to you all. I will explain….

It all began on Sunday…. My mum was coming over, it was about a hundred degrees and we had decided to do a bit of an Italian lunch outside. Very nice I hear you say….. And it was, I decided to mark the occasion  by wearing my new maxi dress and under slip thingy.

So upstairs I went with  two mins till mums arrival, to get changed into my “I am a very glamorous Mother and generally cool person new outfit”…..

I riped open the packaging of my new M& S slip to discover what looked like the a black outer casing to a sausage. Puzzled I read the label, Oh its one of those “holds everything in somehow” magical slips, COOOOOL! I have never had one of them before.

So I struggled for a couple of mins lying on the floor much to Milly’s amusement, trying to kind off wriggle myself into the sausage skin slip. I finally managed it and , it was like a miracle … I was skinny!

Thoughts were now going through my head like ” Slip of wonder, Where have you been all my life!”…. and ” I must tell the world how wonderful they are, no wonder Kim kardashian looks so fab, I hear she lives in her spanx” !

So feeling decidedly clever and gorgeous I sashayed  downstairs and into the garden. Mum Loved my new frock and  told me it was very slimming . Big J also loved my frock but I cant tell what he said ;D and we all had a beautiful lunch in the scorching sun shine. with wine of coarse …. and here’s where  it all started to go a bit…well wrong really….

After being in my dress with the the wonder slip, in the scorching sun for a good couple of hours I started to notice some pain…. Mostly around my boob area, but also in my tummy and my back. Okay just probs a bit tight, but it is supposed to be tight right? and we have to suffer for our beauty don’t they say?…..

A few more hours go by and I can take no more! I run upstairs with an urgent need to rip that slip off! …but I can’t!…..

 Its the kind of feeling you get if you have ever tried a ring on that is just a weeny bit to small. You force it onto your finger and to begin with its okay, but then it starts to hurt and your finger starts to swell and you start to feel little bubbles of panic bursting in your belly. Then the panic swells to the point of  considering chopping your finger off just to get rid of the thing.

This is how I felt, at around 7.30 on Sunday night, the barmy heat of the day radiating through every window. Me on the ground desperatly trying to struggle out of my slimming cocoon. I did think of just cutting it off me at one point, but I couldn’t bare to say goodbye to my friend/enemy.

Eventually after some wriggling, rolling and contortionist type behaviour I got out of it.

But my body looked like it had been *love bit* by a very randy giant, all around my chest and my belly and the tops of my thighs were red angry lines. I think the main problem had been wearing it in the boiling sun, but I did take another look at the label and noticed there was a health type warning saying that it was not advisable to wear slip for more than 8 hours.

I just thank god I was at home, could you imagine if we’d been out for the day? it doesn’t bare thinking about!

So I warn you, yes wear your spanx style slip…wear it with pride. but NEVER in 90 degree heat on a full stomach for more that 8 hours (I wouldn’t go more than six) … let me be a lesson to you all ;D

lohan_slip

Lindsey and her spanx

eva-longoria-spanx1

Eva's spanx incident!

And now to this blog’s recipe!!! brought to you by popular Twitter demand…..

Its for Spiced fish and it comes from a little known Indian cookbook my mum found for me called “flavours and Spices Of India” by Serena Walker. I have changed it a bit by using cod and salmon rather than haddock and I have added my own dip, but its essentially the same dish. Its really simple to make and very light and summery. Even if your family (like mine) can be a bit *fish fussy* they will love it! … I would bet my Spanx Slip on it ;D  

102_7788 Dry Spiced Fish and tasty coriander mint dip.

Serves 4

600g of a mix of cod and salmon

1- 2 teaspoons of dried chili (depending on taste)

The same of ground coriander

1 teaspoon of cumin

1 teaspoon of dried fennel

2 teaspoons of dried  turmeric

 

1 tbsp of lemon juice

2 cm of root ginger crushed or about a teaspoon of Jarred fresh chopped fine

2 cloves of garlic

2 tbs of oil

1/4 tsp of peeper

1/4 teaspoon of salt (or to taste)

Flour for dusting

Oil for frying

Cut fish into 4cm -6cm  cubes,  drizzle with the lemon juice and set aside.

In a bowl mix together all the ground spices and then all the rest of the ingredients.

Add the fish with the lemon and coat well in the marinade.

Leave in the fridge for 1 hour.

Dip the pieces of fish into the flour and shake off the excess.

deep fry in hot oil very quickly for about 4-5 mins

until fish is cooked.

Garnish with lemon and serve with chips and dip. To make the dip just put a table spoon of good mayo (half fat if you like) and the same of creme fraiche with a handful of fresh coriander, a little fresh mint, salt and pepper. YU-um-MMMY!

 

 

16 Responses to “The Spanx incident…”

  1. Yummy No1 says:

    You just crack me up – you really do!
    I wear my maxi dressses in the hope of hiding my lumpy bits! I just dread Summer being over and having to squeeze myself into my jeans again ; D

  2. Yummy No1 says:

    Oh, and the recipe looks great – as ever – thanks for posting x

  3. Gappy says:

    Oh that was laugh out loud funny! You poor love – have you recovered yet?

  4. PhotoPuddle says:

    So funny!! I’d managed not to laugh out loud but I couldn’t help it when you got to the randy giant bit!

  5. TheMadHouse says:

    oh lordy this had me crying with laughter, I can not wear the dam things they drive me mad!!

  6. Clare says:

    In sat in the garden Reading this and laughed so very loud, my neighbours just looked out of her window. Lol poor u, I won’t bother buying one then!!! I will just wear my maxi dress and hope and pray that it hides my lumps and bumps. Lol xxx

  7. I have to say that as soon as i started reading i did think “but spanx, in that heat?!”. I’m sorry to have been proved right (i usually am of course).
    I also am wearing maxi dresses for the first time ever.

    http://marketingtomilk.wordpress.com

  8. Mwa says:

    Great post! I don’t think I could wear that kind of thing even for five minutes in the middle of Winter, though. I had to stop wearing non-stretch jeans because they gave me bowel infections. I’m amazed you lasted as long as you did.
    Oh, and seriously? These women wear spanx? How easily I am fooled by their trickery. Damn.

  9. Niki says:

    Hilarious! Have u recovered? Glad ur happy to be are all seeing eye on this one ;) I managed to ladder my spanx trying to wrestle them off one day…how is that possible? they are made of such strong fabric they are like armour!

  10. I have the “pants” spanx which go from belly button to knees! It’s a real drag if you need the loo. Which seems to happen more frequently if you’re out drinking. Have yet to wear them in the real heat. I can’t imagine what it was like a hundred plus yrs ago when women had to wear corsets and then all the clothes on top. Must of been a killer in the heat.

  11. Annabelle says:

    TOO FUNNY miss ‘lady wif da big bobbies’!!! Still giggling about it now… :D
    Oh man that must have hurt! I think I would have been very close to opting for the scissors!
    x

  12. Emily O says:

    Very funny! I’ve got some Spanx which I’ve worn in the evening, but I can imagine a whole day in the sun with a full stomach would be too much. I bet you felt like a grilled sausage!

  13. English Mum says:

    OMFG hilarious! That reminds me of our wedding blessing where I had a kind of lacy version on from Marks and Spencer. It rolled up during the day and I ended up having to take it off after a couple of hours of agony!

  14. Livi says:

    ROFL! Oh dear! At least it made for a fantastic blog post though!

    • Helen says:

      YAY! the Word press spell has been lifted by a handsome price! (big J;) and I can again reply to all your fab comments!!!! :D
      So glad you all found this soooo funny you big meanies ;DDD Just shows u must wear your spanx with care XXXX

  15. Damara says:

    I tried to be a “yummy mummy” and wear spanx style scaffolding. Like you, I thought I looked great. That lasted for about ten minutes until I realized that I was probably going to have a heat stroke, and the ribbing in it was going to poke holes through my rib cage. Not to mention that the thing wouldn’t stay put and kept rolling up, causing me to attempt to discretely fix it every few minutes.

Leave a Reply