Have you ever had a month where you feel you have run the gambit of emotions from really happy to terribly sad, all in one roller coaster of a time? Well that’s kind of how April has been…..
The Good? -
The good has been finally finding my Mojo again!
Firstly of the Nigella variety… I absolutely love to cook and while I lost my culinary spark I have been miserable.
But somehow it returned last week with an absolute vengeance, I have been cooking up a storm like a Sophie Dahl on acid and I have watched so much cooking TV porn, with The Food Network on permanent sky plus overload! Granted it has helped that the Milsta has kept me up into the wee hours. The only adult in charge of the remote has its bonuses and a little sweet satisfaction to it!
Anyway my biggest triumph came this evening with what I am affectionately calling “Old Mother Hubbard’s pie” . It might not sound too delightful but trust me its really good, I will post the recipe here for you tomorrow to have a look at and maybe try.
The good is also that I have finally managed to stop stressing about getting my website up and running. I have so many things to create and I am so nearly there, its been a steep learning curve and not an easy one while trying to juggle a very lively none sleeping toddler. But I feel like I am nearly there, and I have butterflies…. I really cant wait! Hope you’ll all join me on opening day!
The Bad-
Many of you will have read about the very sudden loss of my amazing dad. He died a year and a half ago (has it really been that long?) and he was extremely special to me , My post people we lost , is all about him if you get the chance to read it sometime .
I have felt really lost without him, but I am getting into a better place about it now. Having Milly so close to his death was actually a god send,(although it didn’t always feel it at the time) she is a constant reminder of the circle of life (yes, I know …excuse the corney Disney pun) and she really looks like him so I feel like a bit of him is constantly around.
But my mum on the other hand is still at the really raw stage of grief and this makes me feel so guilty about feeling better.
April 2nd was my lovely mums birthday, but it is bitter sweet as it would have also been their 45th weeding anniversary. As childhood sweethearts (my mum has never kissed another man) they married on her 18th birthday.
With Grief still at the fore front of her every thought I think for her, time has not been such a great healer. If anything its getting worse, she says the first year your just kind off numb but now the reality of missing him so painfully every day is really getting hard.
I don’t know how to help, I can see her slipping away into a dark place but I feel unable to stop it, I want to scream at her that we still need and love her but I know we are not enough…we are not my Dad, her other half.
Its very sad and I just hope she finds a way to cope without him, I know for absolute sure that he would not want her to be unhappy, life is a funny thing. If you are lucky enough to have a soul mate then you are destined eventually to leave them or be the one left behind.
Certainly makes you value what you have right now, that’s for sure.
The Ugly? -
That would be my beautiful 16 month old daughter Milly, she is not at all ugly, I think she is an angel obviously, but her new found tantrums are. From wanting crisps for breakfast to no letting her run around naked all day this child has a willful nature that has appeared out of nowhere!
Where is my angelic little baby? the one who sat quietly and played while I sewed or painted. Chuckling happily to herself every once in a while. She has turned into a screetching hell raiser, a nighttime fiend. If before her theme tune was Bambi now it would defiantly be the prodogy’s fire starter!
Funnily enough though I still find her utterly adorable (even though teen Ellie often wants to strangle her, especially when she’s on the phone to her mates with Milly yelling very loudly in the background). I just look at that tiny ball of frustration and anger….I smile, and think…you’ve got fight girl, I’ll give you that! ;D
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Aw your post made me well up. I am sorry about your Dad. (I will read the other post soon). Big hugs… you sound like such a lovely supportive daughter to your mum, she is lucky to have you.
And of course will join you when your website is up and running!!
) Looking forward to it! xxx
Thanku Jodi, I love your blogs too, I think your right, we are peas from the same lovely strange pod ;D
This is a really lovely article. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings. How do we start to recover after losing someone so close? Six months after my nana died I accidently wrote her a Christmas card, this was my start to our Christmas rituals and I just forgot.
Good luck with your new website!
Grace
Thanku Grace, its so hard isn’t it? I don’t think your ever quite the same when you’ve lost someone really close, makes you realise how transient life is, and not to waste it
xxxxx
God Girl you know how to make me run the gauntlet of emotions ! Wonderful post Helen. I can’t imagine how it must be for your mum, imagine spending your life with just one man and loving him that much. How wonderful to at least have had that. Doesn’t take away from the terrible pain though. Hope she manages to get some peace.
As for that gorgeous bundle of Millyness ! I know its hard, but as everyone tell’s me. Better a child with some spark and personality than some wet little mouse. She has a wonderful mummy and will be a great little lass, just finding her voice and place in your gorgeous family that’s all.
Can’t wait for the website launch, if I can help with anything let me know.
Big hugs
Karen xxxx
Thanku so much Karen. Your are really the very nicest & wisest person I’ve never meet, life would be very dull without you ;D xxxxxxx
Great post.
Firstly I cant bloody wait till your website is up and running
Secondly I really sympathise about your mum, April is a rough time for us my dad died april 10th 3 years ago and its hard (i wrote a blog post about it as its still so raw and i was hoping it may help) I find it hard talking to people about it mainly because i might cry and not stop!! this last year my mum has been amazing she just suddenly kind of started living again to the point she has even met someone else (was very weird) but its lovely to see her happy again, its what dad would of wanted. The kids are a godsend, they remind me of him in a lovely way, think it will always have a tinge of sadness as they will never know their grandad and my dad would of adored the girls.
Hugs sweetiexxx
Thanku lovely Rachael, and HUGS!
I don’t think that spiky hurt feeling of grief ever really goes away does it? Mind blowing to think of my mum with someone else, but maybe one day. Good luck to your mum, she deserves every happiness xxxxx
My mum still misses my dad so so much, even after 10 years the grief for her is as raw as it was intially. She has tried to get help, but they were soul mates and it is only the grandchildren keeping her going. It is hard, as I would love to be able to comfort her, but I am slowly getting over dads death and I often think of him and dont feel the pain in my tummy anymore. I can talk to the boys about him and things like that.
Oh I would love a sneak peak at the website and if you need anyone to do a little sewing etc, you know how to find me. I am desperate for a little extra cash!!
Milly, sounds a lot like Mini, headstrong, tenatious and opinionated, but as he gets older it is getting easier. He was an angel till he turned two and things have been challenging since, but now, well it is just him, he is indepentant, willfull and wonderful all in one little bundle.
Hi lovely madhouse mum!,
x
Thanks so much for your comment, my mums has had “help” too, but she just told them what she thought they wanted to hear rather than how she actually felt. Its hard to lose someone as special as your dad and then hard again to watch your Mum hurting so bad. I cant imagine how tough it is after 10 years! I really hope your mum finds her own happiness.
On the whole website thing, I would LOVE to have you work with me on icklebabe stuff (I have seen some of your fab work on twitter) I just need to start making a little money first, its also tough as i never make a pattern, but if I start getting swamped when i’m up and running, I will defo get in touch. I think your super talented
That’s an emotional roller coaster! Love that soph on acid lurks in your kitchen!
Loosing your dad has got to b one of the most painful things to go through…they are the bedrock of familiy life. Your mum & dad sound like mine…they’ve just had their 40th anniversary & met when mum was 16 dad was 19! Their love for each other is inspiring & I feel if I have half the happiness they have i won’t b doing badly. They’ve had their ups & downs but what they have together is a constant. Your mum must feel that she has lost a part of herself. She won’t ever get over the loss but she will learn to live with it. I hope she gets to spend time with the utterly gorgeous & willful milly as she will brighten her day even if she is making you tear your hair out! Keep strong. Your dad is always around for a chat, just talk out to him, he will hear. As for your mum you just need to b there, chivvying her along & trying to help her out of that most dreadful of emotions, grief. X
Oh Niki, you just made me well up, in a happy way tho.
Thanku, its lovely to think I could just sit here and talk to him, for some reason I haven’t….. I have started to feel that he is getting very far away and talking to him will help bring him close I think.
Your Mum & Dad sound really lovely, I hope they have each other for a long, long, long time xxxxxxxxx
They do listen. I can smell my grandparents sometimes. Weird i know but when I’m low or struggling over something when I’m not concentrating for a split second I suddenly get a waft, each of them have very distinct smells. It’s very odd & I can’t explain it but I just know it’s one of them. One grandfather is carbolic soap…I don’t & have never used it but sometimes I can walk in a room & I smell it. My other grandatger is brylcream…again never used it but it’s there sometimes just smelling…it’s a comfort. Have a chat with your dad, get your mum to do the sane. My grandmother still chats to her mum everyday! It’s keeps her sane we’ve all decided!
Niki, can I pls have your family as my second one? they sound so so fab!
I hope I don’t sound mad, but the stuff you’ve said has REALLY helped, xxxxxx
You have given me chills about talking to my dad, sounds strange but I am really excited about doing it
Glad to have been of service
everyone deserves to be happy 
big hugs xxx
I lost my father 7 years ago this year. His was a drawn out death, he had a brain tumour, and my mum nursed him for about a year before he passed. My mum will never get over his death. Like you, I have learnt to cope and I still cry for him, but it is natural to loose a parent at some point. As the children we go on and build our families and lives. But as the partner of a loved one, you are left alone. At first i used to desperately hope mum would get over it a bit, find it easier, come to terms with it, but I know she won’t. I felt guilty too. That I was getting on with my life, whilst mum is so so miserable. My mum won’t wear birght colours, listen to music, she’s been to the cinema once, won’t go anywhere they went, do anything they did. She won’t move from the house they (and we all at one point) lived in and she really doe need to. It’s too big and needs work she can’t afford. She told me that if she is going to be miserable, she wants to be miserable there. Don’t get me wrong, if you met her, you would think she was happy and outgoing and I know she has the odd moment of happiness, mostly because of her grandchildren (my twin boys), but ultimately she is waiting to die, so she can be with my father. It saddens me to write this, as it means I have accepted this, but I have. I know she would never to anything to end her life, and I also know she seriously thought about it when he first passed, which is not my mum. She’s a very strong woman and without her I wouldn’t have survived all i’ve been through the last few years. I know she will never meet anyone else because she just doesn’t want to. Dad was her love and he didn’t leave her, he died. It took me a long time to accept her unhappiness. Me and my sister just wanted to make things ‘ok’, but we can’t. She has just got herself a part time job in a clothes shop at the end of her road. A massive step and something I never thought she would do. She actually seems a little happier. It took 7 years to get here….. I’m sorry for the loss of your dad. I truly am xxx
Sally thanku so much for leaving your comment. You are saying the stuff I have dared not say out-loud… I know my mum is just waiting to die too, so she can be with dad.
I know she wouldn’t take her own life but I do worry so so much that if she gets ill, her mind and her body wont fight it. (she’s very fit so hopefully she will be strong for a long time)
Its so very sad to hear that your mum is in the same boat, you’d never know from the outside my mum is grieving too. I guess all we can do is hope that our lovely Dad’s are up there looking after them and sending them love xxxx
I’m glad you got your mojo back. This year must be very tough for your mum. Not sure there is anything you can do except listen. Obviously with a new family you have to keep going yourself. As for the tantrums – it feels horrible when the perfection wears off, eh? I suppose it’s necessary so they can find their own character.
thanks lovely Mwa, your so right about Milly and her little
xxx
big;D tantrums…. its just nice to know she’s quite normal!You’d think i’d know as she’s my third, but the other 2 were fire starters from birth, so she kind of took me be surprise!
The boys got so bad at one point I had to buy a book…. http://www.amazon.co.uk/Divas-Dictators-Secrets-Having-Behaved/dp/0091923859/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1273328619&sr=1-1 I can’t say it helped much, but i felt better about myself that there was a NEED for a book, so most parents must be going through hell too!