I have ummed and arrhed about adding this entry, its not like my usual ramblings but I think it might help me a little bit, so if you don’t mind, here goes.
It started last week when I was tucking Jack into bed, he said out of the blue that he felt sorry for milly because she would never get to know grandad.
My dad died in November last year, very suddenly of a heart attack. He was a very young 62 and I honestly felt he was going to live forever (or at least until I was really really old! ) But at 6.40 on nov 13th I got a phone call that he was gone and that was that, final.
Milly was born 2 months later and she is lovely, she has that knowing look of my dad, his straight smile and the way she purses her lips when’s she concentrating is just like him!
I find myself thinking of him a lot lately, and Jack’s comment made me think a lot more, not just of my dad but of all the other people we lose. The family members I didn’t really know that well, now paper thin pictures in an old album somewhere. Some of the oldest photographs on my mums side are of family she doesn’t even know, but I am sure they all loved and had friendships the same as you and I.
It seems such a shame, our family stuck there in pictures without any way of knowing who they were.
When I see my dad’s picture he comes alive for me and I remember where it was taken or what we were doing but when Milly looks will she just see a face of someone she’s never really known?
I can’t let that happen so I am formulating a plan. I am going to make her a grandad book, small enough for her to hold (and chew if she likes) full of pictures and memories of my dad. I am going to try and write for her what kind of person he was. How he was well traveled even though he never got on a plane, he was an adventurer through the books he read constantly ( he was the only person I know who would read 3 books at the same time!) and knew more about the world than anyone I’d ever met.
I will tell her he was a great listener and I’d go to him whenever I had something on my mind, he’d never judge and had a brilliant ability to get straight to the heart of things. His sense of calmness and his believing in me would always make me feel safe and strong and able to tackle anything!
Ok maybe this is to much for a 7 month old to grasp, but I will tell her as she grows so that my memories of him will intertwine with hers and hopefully become part of who she is.
All this somehow doesn’t seem enough but sometimes thats just the way it is.
One thing I know for sure is my Dad was such a big part of who I am that when Milly is loving me, shes loving him too.
My dad (he's the baby!) My grandad & grandma
what a lovely post. Big hugs. That should like a fantastic thing to do for your children.
Big thank you to everyone who took the time to read and to comment, I had a good cry but you have all made me feel better. Unfortunately we all lose people I guess its the way we deal with it that matters xxx
Hi Helen, what a smashing post! What a wonderful, wonderful thing to do for your daughter. I lost my Mum to Cancer last August, she was 67 and had suffered for three years. My Isaac was 10 months old and will never know his lovely Nan. You’ve inspired me to do the same for him. Right…off to have a cry now!! xx
thanks so much Andrea, it really helps just to write it all down and i am so glad your going to make a nan book too xxx xxx
What a wonderful idea! You could do the same with some well-chosen objects, too. Anything to keep the conversation going…
That was a very touching post. Can I also just say I love that photo – it seems to say so much.
Thankyou, Me too, my gran looks like she loves them both so much…
Beautiful post Helen. I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my Dad to a heart attack. He was 73. I met my husband a week before he died. So my Dad never met my husband or his grandchildren. My youngest boy has his eyes. Sppoky actually. That’s a great idea to keep a record for your children.
I am sorry for your loss too, thankyou so much for commenting, I have realised through this blog how many people go through the same thing, makes you relise your not on your own
xx
(((Huge Hugs)))
The memory book os such a lovely idea.
x
Thanx so much for hugs I am feeling much better writing it down, it really does help!xx
I saw a link to this post at http://www.andreadaly.com/2009/09/in-the-words-of-ronan-keating/comment-page-1/#comment-174. I am so sorry for your loss. My dad passed away of a heart attack (essentially) on May 5, 2008. Much of your words ring so true to my feelings of my dad’s passing. I have a daughter that is 2 1/2 now. She did get to know him, but I worry that she won’t remember him. I made her a picture book of PawPaw Dado (that was her name for him). She will ask about him or do something that reminds us of him occassionally. Thanks for sharing your feelings and writing this post.
Thanks so much for commenting Amy, I hope you and your lovely daughter have lots of happier times ahead, and that your dad is never far from your hearts as mine is to me. xx
Thats suh a lovely idea for Milly! I lost my grandpa a few years ago and miss him loads. Really wish he had got to see Aidan as I’m sure he’d love him to bits.
Big hugs xxx
I think the Grandad book sounds like a wonderful idea, and will be good for you to do too. We think we won’t forget things about the people that we love so much but we do. My Dad died when he was 44, I was 18, so I’ve been without him longer than with him now which makes me very sad sometimes. And of course he never did meet my husband, my niece, my two daughters. Fathers Day is a strange day, all of us will deal with it differently, hope you manage to enjoy yours. Make sure you do that book!
My thoughts are with you. Lovely blog. If you remember him, Milly will.
Thanku Jane, I think she will too, she can already point him out in pictures which makes me so proud xxxxxx
We b;pw a kiss each night to Grandad in heaven. it has been 10 years now and each fathers day is still raw. We have aphoto on te mantel and I tell stories about him and what he would have siad or advised. Still wish he was here to do it himself. x
Oh Becky, so sorry if I made you feel any sadder today. We have granddad pictures all around too, its great because Milly actually knows who he is even though they never meet. She is so very like him in so many ways too, which is somehow a comfort XXXX
Lovely idea and such a moving post. My toddler has started asking me who my mum is in pictures she has seen around the house, I tell her it’s her special nanny who is being looked after by the angels and fairies in heaven and she loves that. Sending u big hugs today x
Aw I love that too, such a lovely thought Rock and Roll mummy XXXXX
Over time stuff will come out of your mouth and into your head that are your Dad’s words – just what he would have said. You may build sand castles, lay fires, or tie shoe laces like he did. Your parenting is his parenting – where else did you get those skills?
In recent years I have done work on my family history. My great great grandmother brought up 3 girls in the slums of Leeds by herself (she was a widow). The oldest died at 17. She died in 1903 and is at the bottom of a common grave with 12 strangers. Now I know this I wish I could dig her up, cuddle her like a child, tell her it will be alright and, what’s more thank her for the struggle that resulted in my life amongst others.
I have found family history so helpful in getting to know my parents better even though, like you, I have lost my father
Take heart
Thanku for taking the time to comment Elizabeth, you’ve given me chills.
We really don’t know how blessed we are these days, in your great grandmothers time they had to deal with the sadness of death allot more than us.
My dad was very interested in our family history too (when i was younger i never shared his interest, which i feel bad about now). But your comments have really encouraged me to do a bit of searching, so thanku xxxx i’ll keep you posted xxxxx
I think that is a beautiful idea. Although those we loose are no longer physically there with us they live in inside us in our memories & in our love for them. If u r able to capture some of that to pass onto milly & to remind jack then that can only be all good. I still hope ur having out loud chats with him? He will gw listening I promise. Xxx
Your idea of the little book is lovely. My Dad died on 12 November 1973 aged only 53. It’s weird to think that I’m now 7 years older than he was. He had known for just 3 weeks that I was pregnant so a similar situation to yours. I see a lot of my Dad in my new granddaughter. The resemblance is quite astonishing at times.
Beautiful post. It’s so difficult to loose a parent, you do think they will live forever. My dad died at 57, it really isn’t old at all. My heart goes out to you. Hugs x
Oh, Helen. I am crying right now…
How is the granddad book coming along for Milly?
We struggle so much with the loss of our parents, don’t we. You are such a strong person and I am forever grateful to know you and read the words you write. It’s been tough this last week, knowing that my 100 days are almost up. Thank you (THANK YOU–this is me shouting at you) for supporting me, for sharing with me, and for being my English twin.
xxxoxRichela
You made me cry now lovely Richela…I am SO glad if I have helped a bit hun. You have helped me more than you know in return with your words and posts. And I LOVE being your English Twin. XXXX